If we learned anything this crazy, mixed up week, it is this:

DO NOT f*ck with Bobby Portis’ playing time.

We’ve all had one of those days at work. Days where you’ve had about enough of Nick Gowen’s bullshit and you’re ready to walk over to Sales & Marketing and put your fist through his fat, weasley face. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Yeah. Well, Bug-Eyed Bobby wasn’t a philosophy major, and there is absolutely nothing metaphorical about post play. Ask soon-to-be former Chicago Bull, Nikola Mirotic, about Portis’ box-out abilities and he’ll give you his answer through an oxygen mask.

We asked Dr. Pierce Osborne – Official Periodontist of Friday Afternoon Drinks – his professional medical opinion of Mirotic’s concussion and TWO broken facial bones. He told us, “Dude. I’m not that kind of doctor, either.”

Side note: sponsorship opportunities currently available as the ‘Official Maxillofacial Surgeon of Friday Afternoon Drinks.’ Please contact Nick Gowen in our Sales & Marketing Department.

So, our beloved BobbyP has to sit out eight games, and won't be able to spend any of those nights watching the cross-town Cubs. However, Bobby still has four years of football eligibility left. And this weekend the Hogs could really, really use his wingspan as an enforcer on the offensive line. Because it’s not 'illegal hands to the face' until they call it.

Sassy’s Red House – 5:00 to 7:00
708 N. College

In other news, currently FOUR Kardashian Sisters (Kim, Khloe, Kylie & Kourtney) are now officially with-child. This answers last week’s trivia question: “Where has Phil Maynard been?” Archeologists tell us that the ancient Incas foretold an alignment of such celestial events would trigger the end of the world. Knowing there will soon be another Kanyeon the planet suggests the Incas were right.